We all get embarrassed now and then. The simple choice to live life brings the risk of feeling ‘not so great’ at times when we do things we may regret or not do things we wish we had. Embarrassment is useful when it keeps us on track with our values. Shame is a much deeper and insidious form of embarrassment which can be extremely detrimental to our emotional and physical well being if not resolved.
Shame and guilt often walk hand in hand. The difference is that shame can bury itself far deeper, and is much more poisonous. Where guilt is a feeling about something we have done, shame is the conclusion we come to about ourselves as a result of that act. Guilt is the feeling that we have done something bad, while shame is the feeling that we are bad. We find ourselves thinking things like, “I must be a horrible person if I am capable of that”. Shame is not a feeling about an act, but about ourselves, and is far more permanent. It is us brutally inflicting the judgment that we so fear from others upon ourselves. The result is almost always feelings of unworthiness.
Shame also affects our behaviour more than guilt, because it closes us down to experiences that could lead us to revisit our shame or be shamed again. Shame is the next step along the same path as guilt, but where guilt can have its purpose, shame is unhealthy and will often prevent us from living a full and healthy life.
Shame, like guilt, tends to be a lasting state rather than a transitory emotion. Where other emotions come and go, shame stays with us and undermines our confidence and ability to live fully. As with guilt, it is the unresolved, prolonged shame that becomes harmful to our healing.
The only way to address shame is to truly understand that what has happened is not because of who we are. We are no more or less because of our actions – we are the same person, just with some additional life experience. When tough decisions or circumstances have been put before us we must understand that we have been forced to choose between the options and we have made the best possible decision under the circumstances. Only when we reach this place of understanding can we take action and express any of the underlying sadness that perpetuates shame.
Letting go sounds like such an easy thing to do, and we all know it feels a lot tougher than it sounds. Even though we know that it is pointless to blame ourselves, it is often a struggle to change our way of thinking. This is even more difficult if self blame has been our pattern of behaviour for a while and we are benefiting in some way from the attention, whether positive or negative, that this behaviour creates.
Those of us burdened with guilt and shame often have thoughts that swing from the past to the future and back again, reflecting and imagining. During these times our minds touch on dozens of ideas a minute, looking for ways to support our theories. This reinforces the decisions we have made about ourselves like, “I am not worthy”, “I am hopeless” or “I must have done something to deserve this”. We are after all what we think. Our emotions can become slaves to our thoughts, and we become slaves to our emotions.
The problem with having thought patterns that perpetuate guilt and shame is that we are never in the present moment. We are either digging in the past reliving our worst nightmare or creating awful stories in our minds about the future. Rarely do we rest in the moment, which is where we need to stay for our emotional healing to take place.
Eventually, we all reach a point where we know that things need to change for us. When this realisation occurs, the simplest way to change how we feel is to examine where our thoughts are coming from and uncover the decisions we have made about ourselves as a result. Often the simple act of exploring and acknowledging their existence is enough to make some changes.
Revisiting our experiences may not be easy but it will ultimately serve us better than continuing to bury them.
Talk to you soon
H.
