William Shakespeare once said that ‘Expectation is the root of all heartache’ and if I was to sum up the lessons of 2010 (and the last 4 decades of my life) it would be to not expect anything.

It has taken me a while to understand this whole concept because one of the most fundamental rules I have followed in life is to ‘do what I say’ which on the surface sounds reasonable, after all, I am in complete control of what I say and what I do.  What I have realised in the last year is that I have committed the heartbreaking crime of expecting others to live by my mantra too which is not only unreasonable but also a recipe for constant disappointment.

My lack of ability to see this rather critical error has led to many opportunities for disappointment, frustration and wallowing in self pity as I revisit time and time again why people just don’t ‘do what they say they will do’.  As a person of my word I have in all my years expected (key word here!) others to be the same, not realising that sometimes people say things just because they feel like it, or to make me feel good, or just to be agreeable because they don’t have the courage to say ‘no’ – leaving me feeling completely bemused as to why the emphatically spoken promise was not kept and spending fruitless hours oscillating between self anger (at believing people) and frustration toward them at not carrying through on what I considered a commitment.

What I have come to realise is that I have been the one at fault all along.  Imposing my values and standards on others by expecting (here it is again) them to be like me, arrogantly believing that doing what you say is a fundamental principle of being a human being – which it is not.

The reality is that each of us is entitled to live by the values and standards that we choose to without judgement (except where there are legal implications of course!).  The challenge then lies in understanding this and ensuring that we each live by our own standards without placing expectation on what the standards of others should be.

So let me be clear on this – expectations are not standards.  Standards are values based ways in which we choose to live our lives.  The things that we will stand for as well as the things that we won’t.  We should all become clear about our standards and ensure that the interactions we have are clear on these (for each individual involved).

It is completely acceptable and necessary to have standards to which you live and request those who choose to interact with you to follow.  What is not OK is to expect people to automatically live up to your standards.

So for 2011 I plan to be clear about my standards. When people make commitments to me I will clarify these so we are both clear on the agreement and then I will hold them accountable understanding that sometimes things change.  I will not place the expectations I have for myself onto others.  For each life situation I face I will remind myself that it is what it is and I can only rely upon the things that I directly can control.  This will make for a year of respect, responsibility and heartlifting surprise..