Many of my clients struggle with the concept of identifying a list of personal values. As a coach it is important to understand what the individual client holds as their most important principles of living so that I can understand how to best support them in addressing any issues and challenges that arise for them and hold them accountable to what they hold dear.
So what are values?
Your personal code of values are what’s important to you; not something you want or would like to have, but something you literally need in your life to be happy. A value is a principle or quality intrinsically valuable or desirable to you. Values are your convictions, your beliefs, and your ethics rolled into one. The quality of the values we embrace and the intensity of our commitment to them determines the level of our accomplishment in life so investing time to identify and fully understand our values is time well spent.
Living in agreement with one’s values is fulfilling. Living in conflict with one’s values is stressful and dissatisfying. In fact most stress results from values conflicts. When put in a situation where you are unable to honor a value, you will feel stressed out. No amount of relaxation, meditation, or exercise will eliminate the stress until the values conflict is resolved.
Values are not the same as goals. Values are directions we keep moving in, whereas goals are what we want to achieve along the way. A value is like heading North; a goal is like the river or mountain or valley we aim to cross whilst traveling in that direction. Goals can be achieved or ‘crossed off’, whereas values are an ongoing process. For example, if you want to be a loving, caring, supportive partner, that is a value – an ongoing process. If you stop being loving, caring and supportive, then you are no longer a loving, caring, supportive partner; you are no longer living by that value. In contrast, if you want to get married, that’s a goal – it can be ‘crossed off’ or achieved. Once you’re married, you’re married.
The Right Values
It’s important that we separate what society, culture, and family values from our individual set of values. Values are not about right and wrong as a broad, cultural construct, but about what fits for you as an individual, given who you are and what you want in your life. What you truly value is–by definition–right for you. What you value may not be right for those close to you and may be a source of disagreement and dissatisfaction if others attempt to enforce their code of values on you.
Determine Your Personal Values
Our values come from a range of sources. Our parents are a key influence upon our values as we grow as children. So is any church or educational experience. Our society, our neighbours, friends and colleagues can also have an influence upon our values.
As we grow in years and experience, our values become more fixed, especially a set of 6 to 10 ‘core’ values. It is these core values that determine what is really important to us as an individual. The surprising thing is that if you ask most people what their values are, many would not be able to give you an answer.
A good many people are leading lives disconnected with their core values. This can lead to a life of unhappiness, discontent and lack of fulfilment. For some people a conflict can arise within them because they are trying to live a life according to the values of a company, an organisation, a religious or political organisation, the values of their friends or colleagues or partner, rather than living a life according to their own core values. In doing this, the values of the other people or organisations are being met but the person’s own values are being left unfulfilled.
So, if you feel your life is unfulfilled, unhappy, or maybe has too much conflict, then it could be that you are leading a life that does not accord with your core values. The question is; do you know your own personal core values?
Option 1 – Start with a List
Keep in mind that this method may subconsciously encourage you to select values you think you should have, rather than those really important to you. The second method, though more difficult initially, may be more accurate and more rewarding.
Start with a list of values and circle all the words that you respond favourably to whether in fact you are displaying this value now or just wish that you did; Review your selections and list them in the following categories:
My Core Values – If I don’t follow these values, I’m not happy
Secondary Values – These are values I live by in everyday life. My goal is to live by these values to the best of my ability
Soft Values – I believe in these, but don’t live by them. Someday I may like to live by these.
Option 2 – Build your own list from personal experiences
Think of a brief moment in your experience when life was especially satisfying and rewarding.
- What were you doing?
- Who was present?
- What qualities or values were you displaying?
Repeat this with as many satisfying moments as necessary to form a good list.
Now try the reverse and think of situations in your life when you have experienced a high degree of frustration or conflict and ask yourself?
- What was most upsetting about this situation?
- What values or qualities were lacking?
Repeat this with all the similar situations you can recall and identify any patterns of values or qualities that were consistently missing.
Now ask yourself, ‘What, in life, is important to me?’
Don’t think about your answers (yes, there’s likely to be more than one thing that’s important to you), at least don’t think about them at first. Just write down whatever comes into your head, no matter how strange, amusing or worrying they may seem. These first answers are probably your ‘gut’ or ‘intuitive’ answers; sometimes these are closer to the truth than answers that you ‘think’ about.
Next, think about ‘What is important in life for me?’. Take some time to consider your answers before writing them down in a word or short phrase. Don’t worry if the some of the same answers appear in your first list; – just write them down again.
Identify whether the words you have chosen are potential core values or secondary values as per Option 1.
So, by doing these simple exercises, you are beginning to discover your personal core values. The next exercise is to ask yourself ‘how do my life, my work and my relationships help fulfil my personal values?’ If you find that they do not help you fulfil your personal values then perhaps you might consider making some changes.
Next month I will be focusing on Manifesting your ideals or goals!
Take care and talk soon
Helen
xo.
